D. Lipman

How to Have the Perfect Kiss

A peach is a peach, a plum is a plum, a kiss ain't a kiss without some tongue, so open your mouth and close your eyes and give your tongue some exercise! Too bad a real kiss isn't this simple.

Kissing, as we are all well aware, is a large and important part of life, especially for the average teenage girl. Because the idea of a 'perfect kiss' is so universal, it is very important that you, the kisser, follow the necessary procedures to insure a positive outcome. Many kisses are a disaster simply because people do not follow the 'rules,' however; using these instructions will result in an overall wonderful experience.

Step one: Find the perfect partner.

Materials needed: Number one, your eyes. Eyes are important in two respects. Of course, it is okay to kiss an ugly boy but you he needs to have SOME allure, because a kiss without chemistry isn't worth your time. Finding someone attractive requires your eyes and your preference, remember everyone has a different style, just make sure you are happy with your choice. Also, many people say "close your eyes, when you kiss, it's impolite to stare." Well, yes, this is true but be careful that if it's your first kiss, you keep your eyes open at least until your lips touch, you wouldn't want to kiss their eye or lick their boogers accidentally because you couldn't see where you were going.

Material number two: feeling. Although, if you use your eyes, you may pick the hottest guy in the football team, being realistic is equally as important. If kissing a boy like this would make you feel jittery and uncomfortable, giving you sweaty hands and dry lips, this may not be the way to go. Caution: when picking the perfect guy, avoid droolers at any expense! A guy who slobbers on his homework is doing you a favor; he is saying, 'If I slobber in class, I'll drench your face, too!' Thank him for his honest portrayal of his abilities or lack there of and continue with your search. Similarly, if your partner is noticeably bleeding, stay away. You wouldn't want to end up the girl on CNN who finally discovered the way to transmit AIDS through kissing. One myth you need not worry about, is that depicted on Disney channels Brace Face, i.e. If you and your partner both have braces, don't worry you won't get stuck. However, if kissing a metal mouth makes you as nervous as kissing the gorgeous football player does, the guy may fall under the category of a bad partner and thus, it would be your anxiety, not his braces that should turn you away. NEVER pick a partner you will later regret kissing, in other words, your ex-boyfriend that broke your heart many times before or your best friends crush that she has been fantasizing about since Kindergarten. No matter how gorgeous, sweet, athletic and rich the boy is, the rule is: "always chicks over dicks." Girls tend to stick around much longer than boys and a true friend is not worth losing over two seconds of passion. An ideal kiss will be with someone you have known long enough to know that he is as attracted to you as you are to him.

Step two: The perfect moment. Don't look for a kiss after you've played the state championship basketball game that lasted four and a half hours. Make sure you have showered if you want your boy to concentrate on the kiss rather than your puffy hair and harsh body odor. Always talk first, be comfortable with your partner. After all, you are going to be sharing an entire two seconds of your life with him, you don't want those seconds to be wasted with someone you didn't realize was a jerk until afterwards. Being comfortable includes not wearing the outfit that shows as much skin as you legally can. Firstly, the majority of guys respect girls who wear more and those who don't, aren't worth your time. Besides, if they see it all, there are no surprises for later! Secondly, you don't want your clothes falling off in the middle. Imagine the pool setting; he kisses you and your bathing suit comes untied: embarrassment rating: 10/10! 

Once these steps are taken to avoid humiliation, find a romantic setting. If you are by a dock, look around to be sure no one is filleting their catch of the day. If it's in the car, make sure the doors are locked; it would ruin your reputation if you fell out of your boyfriend's car when he leaned over to kiss you. Also, be sure the windows are open a crack, otherwise your passion may cause them to fog up. If you want to kiss in your parents' basement, be sure they are on a vacation, or at dinner and a movieā€¦ give yourself sufficient time. If you decide to kiss at your grandmother's birthday party, watch out for 92 year old Pops, who wouldn't want to see his granddaughter kissing a total stranger. Basically, scope the scene before you lean.

Step Three: Know the Rules! There are a few precautions that must be taken right before hand. If they are ignored, you may end up leaving humiliated, slobbering, or worse, leaving with your partner's gum!

Number one, bad breath is the number one NO NO! Either chew gum before, pop a tic tac, or just brush your teeth. You don't want your partner to sing: 'Poof be gone, your breath is too strong, wait come back, I've got a tic tac!' By expecting the worst and hoping for the best, you assume that you need a mint rather than being told so as he screams out "EWWW, YOUR BREATH STINKS," letting every guy in school hear him. The day before, if possible avoid garlic and onions; they give off a nasty stench that even your mom won't want to smell.

Number two: never wear sticky lip-gloss or lipstick that is easily removed. He'll be really turned off if he walks away from every kiss with bright pink lipstick on his formerly red lips, I mean sure, it enhances his cheek bones but he may like them the way they are.

Number three, be sure your lips are moist; kissing wood is disgusting.

Lastly: HAVE CONFIDENCE! This is so important because chances are that if you think you'll suck, you probably will. A guy likes a girl who can take control of a situation, lean in and kiss him. Being scared that he doesn't like you may give off the "I'm not interested" vibe, the last thing you want to give off if you really want that kiss.

You are finally ready! GO FOR IT!

It's over. Now what?

Analyze: How was it? Do you want to try again? What could you do better for next time? No matter how horrible you think you were, you were probably great since you found a perfect guy, a romantic setting and you remembered all the rules! The only shortcut comes if you are kissing the same guy for the second time because then, you already know the process!

A lot of weight is placed upon kissing. Media, more often than not, portrays the 'first kiss' scene to be idealistic, with songs playing in the background, nature looking its finest and the perfect man leaning over you. To meet these expectations, or come close, it is imperative that the kissers avoid any potentially embarrassing situations. Kissing is an art and like with every talent, practice makes perfect. In the beginning however, it is important to follow the basics to avoid having the entire student body stare you down and chuckle about the time when you smooched Johnny's eye or lost your tic tac in Henry's mouth.