Tonsil Hockey 101

I wrote this piece by simply thinking about my approach to completing my goal. I picked this subject because it is funny, sarcastic, and I felt like I had a lot to share. My process for writing this piece was difficult because I had to think of steps that I naturally do with out thinking. I also had to express it in an appropriate yet funny matter.

Having the art of getting a girl is not something they teach at the academy. It’s a natural gift God gives someone. Confidence, swagger, good looks, and the ability to listen are the key fundamentals in getting the hottie. If you follow my guidelines you will be getting more ass than a toilet bowl.

            Scenario: You are at a party having a sweet time. Drinking your beverage and chatting with babes. The night is starting to wind down and all you want to do is find a chick and swap spit with her. You look to your left and you see your best friend making out with a pretty good looking girl. You now know if you don’t find a chick you’re never going to hear the end of it from your boys. You might ask yourself what to do? Step one: Pick your target. Find a decent looking girl that your buddies won’t make fun of you for. Also do not pick a girl you have never spoken to because you will come across as a psycho. Pick a girl you are friends with and can have a conversation with. Find her and begin the small talk. Small talk or as most guys call it “bullshit” consists of you listening and letting her ramble on. Always agree with her and use phrases like “wow you are so right,” and “Oh, I totally agree.” This is to make the girl think you have a lot in common when in reality you probably are on the totally opposite end of the spectrum. The most important thing is to not talk with her for to long because the conversation most likely will become dull and awkward. There is nothing worse than dead silence followed by a “so how is your night.” After you have ended the conversation, start talking with other babes and look back at your target often. Act like you are having a better time with these girls then you were with her. Make yourself come across as a cool, confident, man whore (when in reality you are probably a pathetic loser who needs my game to get a kiss.) After some time connect eyes with her and give her the old “chin lift what up.”

            The next step which is the hardest to control is being yourself and not acting different around your lady friend. You should not keep going over to her because you will come off as being desperate. If she is standing with a group of people in a circle do not go over and try to get in their circle.

 Often times there is someone else who wants to spell her name in your mouth so badly that you wouldn’t even have to put effort into it. Do not let this bump in the road throw you off your goal, simply take this girl AKA “back up girl” some where that nobody else will see, and get a quick make out in. Come back to where the rest of the party is and act like nothing happened. This is the best scenario because if you get denied from your main target you can always go back for seconds.

Back to the mission: Start flirting with other girls. Hugging, touching, and extreme sexual tension is the game plan. The main purpose of this is to make your target jealous. Make sure your target sees this and knows you are having a rock and roll time. However, no matter what happens it is only flirting and if you take it to the next level you have almost no chance in hell of getting lucky with your first option. Next you will want to approach your girl quickly while the images of you flirting with other girls is still in her brain. Be smart and do not say stupid pick up lines like “your so beautiful,” and “I liked you from the day I met you.” in a serious voice. Nobody likes “that” guy who watches Days of Our Lives and repeats the lines. The things you say are just as important as the way you look and act. Being funny and sarcastic is a great way of becoming The Man. For example say something like “Hey there good looking. Do you know where the gym is?” or “that shirt really brings out your eyes pumpkin.” FYI these lines are to be said in a joke voice not serious. If you can get a girl to laugh or smile you’re so money.

At this time the night is almost at an end and it might seem like most of the people have gone home for the night. This is the time to attack and try and seal the deal. Approach your prospect and do the “hug test.” The hug test is something I have created and go by in emergency situations. What you do is you give her a hug or put your arm around her, if she gives you a full hug or she embraces you touching her she wants to get down with you. Ask her to come with you to make a phone call outside. Pretty much if she says yes, you have nothing to worry about and your night is a success. Once you two love birds make it outside  say something like “so you wanna hook up” in a semi serious tone because if she says no you can play it off as a joke and say “I’m messing with you. We are too good of friends to do that.”  Get rid of her immediately and go find her best friend.